Comedy of Errors By William Shakespeare Act III: Scene 2

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Marry, sir, besides myself, I am due to a woman; one that claims
me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
What claim lays she to thee?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Marry, sir, such claim as you would lay to your horse: and she
would have me as a beast; not that, I being a beast, she would
have me; but that she, being a very beastly creature, lays claim
to me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
What is she?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
A very reverent body; ay, such a one as a man may not speak of
without he say sir-reverence. I have but lean luck in the match,
and yet is she a wondrous fat marriage.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
How dost thou mean? — a fat marriage?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Marry, sir, she's the kitchen-wench, and all grease; and I know
not what use to put her to, but to make a lamp of her and run
from her by her own light. I warrant, her rags, and the tallow in
them will burn a Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday,
she'll burn week longer than the whole world.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
What complexion is she of?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Swart, like my shoe; but her face nothing like so clean kept: for
why? she sweats, a man may go over shoes in the grime of it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
That's a fault that water will mend.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
No, sir, 'tis in grain; Noah's flood could not do it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
What's her name?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Nell, sir; but her name and three-quarters, that is an ell and
three quarters, will not measure her from hip to hip.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Then she bears some breadth?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip: she is
spherical, like a globe: I could find out countries in her.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
In what part of her body stands Ireland?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Marry, sir, in her buttocks; I found it out by the bogs.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Where Scotland?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
I found it by the barrenness, hard in the palm of the hand.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Where France?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
In her forehead; armed and reverted, making war against her hair.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Where England?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
I looked for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no whiteness in
them; but I guess it stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that
ran between France and it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Where Spain?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Faith, I saw it not; but I felt it hot in her breath.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Where America, — the Indies?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
O, sir, upon her nose, an o'er embellished with rubies,
carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot
breath of Spain; who sent whole armadoes of carracks to be
ballast at her nose.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Where stood Belgia, — the Netherlands?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
O, sir, I did not look so low. — To conclude: this drudge or
diviner laid claim to me; called me Dromio; swore I was assured
to her; told me what privy marks I had about me, as the mark of
my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my left arm,
that I, amazed, ran from her as a witch: and, I think, if my
breast had not been made of faith and my heart of steel, she had
transformed me to a curtail-dog, and made me turn i' the wheel.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Go, hie thee presently post to the road;
An if the wind blow any way from shore,
I will not harbour in this town to-night.
If any bark put forth, come to the mart,
Where I will walk till thou return to me.
If every one knows us, and we know none,
'Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack and be gone.

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