Tristram interrupts himself to recall to the reader that in the previous book he had promised a "chapter upon chamber-maids and button-holes." He has been advised against it, however, because "the two subjects, especially so connected together, might endanger the morals of the world."
Trim continues: "Is not all flesh grass? — 'Tis clay, — 'tis dirt," and everyone "looked directly at the scullion — the scullion had just been scouring a fish-kettle. — It was not fair. — " " — What is the finest face that ever man looked at! . . . what is it! (Susannah laid her hand upon Trim's shoulder) — but corruption? — Susannah took it off." Death, says Trim, is nothing, but it is best to die on the battlefield; each of the servants has his idea of where and how it is best to die. The kitchen cabinet concludes its session with Trim about to recount the story of Uncle Toby and Lieutenant Le Fever (to be told later in Book 6, Chapter 6).
The author remembers that he has left his mother eavesdropping at the parlor door, but before he lets things go forward, he points out that any woman would have been similarly captured by hearing her husband mention the word "wife," particularly in the context that follows. Walter is working the "abstract of Socrates's oration" into his long lament, and he closes with "I have three desolate children" (says Socrates). " — Then, cried my mother, opening the door, — you have one more, Mr. Shandy, than I know of." "By heaven! I have one less, — said my father, getting up and walking out of the room."
Toby explains that "they are Socrates's children," and he leads her to Walter for the rest of the explanation.
