What complicates Kingston's divided loyalties between her parents' demanding that she not speak to Americans and her wanting to speak English to become more assimilated into American culture is her fear that "talking and not talking made the difference between sanity and insanity." She writes, "Insane people were the ones who couldn't explain themselves," which is precisely her predicament: She can't "explain" who she is because her parents order her not to, but she couldn't even if she wanted to because her parents refuse to tell her any factual information about their Chinese past, let alone the details of their coming to America. And what is even worse for Kingston are the many women she encounters who seem to support her belief that silence equals insanity. The "woman next door," who, we are led to believe, cannot conceive children, scares Kingston even though the woman "said nothing, did nothing"; Crazy Mary, who as a toddler was left behind in China by her parents when they immigrated to America, becomes insane because by the time she is re-united with her parents in America, Kingston infers, she is too old to master English; and Pee-A-Nah, "the village idiot, the public one," chases Kingston and her siblings, but not once does Kingston indicate that Pee-A-Nah actually says anything. Significantly, Kingston notes that the name "Pee-A-Nah," which one of Kingston's brothers made up, "does not have a meaning." Personal names are powerful words in that they represent our personal identities; however, a name that "does not have a meaning," that is indiscriminately used to identify a person, diminishes the unique individuality of that person. What frightens Kingston most is that she will become the village's next crazy woman, that she will be silenced like Crazy Mary and Pee-A-Nah and lose her emerging individuality.
To become more assimilated into American culture, Kingston believes that she must totally reject her "Chineseness," traits and customs that she connects most with her mother. She also decides that she will never be a slave or a wife, both female roles that she associates with Brave Orchid's talk-stories. When she suspects that her parents are planning to marry her off to one of the new Chinese emigrants, whom she refers to as "FOB's" — "Fresh-off-the-Boat's" — she displays behavior that she knows the suitor will find totally unacceptable in a traditional Chinese wife. Humorously, she writes, "I dropped two dishes . . . [and] limped across the floor. I twisted my mouth and caught my hand in the knots of my hair. I spilled soup on the FOB when I handed him his bowl." Because it was customary for the oldest daughter to be married before younger ones, Kingston knows that she can protect both herself and her sisters by being labeled an undesirable fool. By playing the fool, however, she plays a dangerous game, risking rejection from her Chinese society and being branded crazy — her biggest fear.
