The theme of individuality takes an odd twist with the story of Major Major. Major is among the most mediocre of men, as the narrator reveals, distorting an old adage about "greatness": "Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three." That is just fine with Major Major. He would like nothing more than to be lost in the crowd. Life has dealt him a series of practical jokes that make his desire impossible. The first is that he bears a "sickly resemblance" to a movie star of the time, Henry Fonda. The second is that Major's sadistic father secretly named his son "Major Major Major" as a cruel joke on the boy's mother who, too weak from childbirth to detect the lie, was told that the name was Caleb. When Major started school, he discovered that he was not who he thought he was. Friends, warned against socializing with strangers, abandoned him. Major experienced a horrible identity crisis that he has never overcome. Even the military won't allow him anonymity. An "I.B.M. machine with a sense of humor almost as keen as his father's" promotes the private to major so that his commanding officer, Lieutenant Scheisskopf, doesn't know whether to shout at him or salute. His short, happy life as one of the guys in the squadron on Pianosa ends abruptly when he is soon promoted to squadron commander. Major ultimately becomes a recluse.
Heller again employs distorted logic and language to make his point, as Major Major issues oxymoronic orders to his front office sergeant, who seeks clarification:
"What shall I say to the people who do come to see you while you're here?"
"Tell them I'm in and ask them to wait."
"Yes, sir. For how long?"
"Until I've left."
"And then what shall I do with them?"
"I don't care."
May I send them in to see you after you've left?"
"Yes."
But you won't be here then, will you?"
"No." (109)
